Friendships/Relationships/ugh

**sighs**

I confess, I am not always the easiest person to be around. I can get ditzy, self absorbant, strange (mumble to myself all the time) and I can appear to be callous. Although I pride myself on being a good listener (I am a psychology major after all) I tend to underrate my friends problems, Its not that I think they're problems are insignificant, but at times I feel if you make an emotional situation more emotional its terrible. But that is not completely true, what is really is my lack of emotional output. While I am incredibly loyal, I run from emotional situations. I can't handle them, I don't cry, I don't scream, I don't throw tantrums. I hate it, I dont know how to deal with things like that.

Over the years however, my group of friends (they are plenty and on a specturm) have all seemed to accoustom themselves to my lack of support in emotional issues. If you need a problem solved rationally, if you need to rant, if you need someone to kick you in the butt and keep you on track,if you want someone just to listen and nod you come to me. If you want some one to sympathize to hold your hand to cry with you to give you a hug, stay away. I personally don't understand why I do that, its not that I don't care. On the contrary I am very much emotionally invested in my friendships.Yet I am always put in a category of the callous and unfeeling. I get branded as being controlling and judgemental.

Although I have never been in a relationship ( shocking I know, but are you really suprised?) I think that breaking up with a friend is much harder then breaking up with a lover. I hate playing coy games, I dont do it, I don't know how to do it. I think at times where saying nothing is the best course of action, my tongue betrays me and says things that further cement me in the unfeeling category.

I understand that people grow apart, that people come and go. More so then alot of people, I have never stayed long enough in a part the world or country to claim stability and life long friends. But over the years, I have learned that if you open you mind your heart and yourself to the world people that will never cease to amaze you will find themselves at your door step. While the traditional would brand my array of friendships as unconventional, and uncharacterstic for a woman of arabic and muslim traditions. I view them as a testment to my love of people and adventure. While I have kept many friendships, I have managed to alienate just as many.